So, I didn't spend my birthday in the hospital. It was actually kind of celebratory and nice, in a low key way, thanks to my sister, who really brought the festivities (and the birthday dinner) to the table single-handedly. Everything was ok.
Everything is ok now, too. Probably. But my counts are just staying weirdly low. Lower than they've been in months. I keep telling myself that chemo is just endlessly strange. And that if I were heading into a relapse the doctors would catch it in my labs (which are weekly again.) But..I don't feel confident. Even the fact that they're having me come in weekly again seems like a reason to worry rather than an encouragement to leave the worrying to the professionals.
The goal is: hold it together, breathe, and remember that there's no point in worrying about something like that before it happens. You can't change it. The worry is a waste of valuable resources. Oh, I hate being scared. But I'm not having much luck at reasoning it away.
An interesting side-effect of fearfulness turns out to be reading ridiculous fluff. Seriously, I ended up reading The Vampire Academy the other day. I'm always up for escapism, but swerving all the way into tween vampire trendiness seems like overdoing. Here's the thing though, it can be a real challenge to find reading material that doesn't have a cancer ambush in the plot. The Actor and the Housewife: cancer ambush, The Friday Night Knitting Club: cancer ambush.
It seems like the go-to way to give your story weight, give your protagonist tragic baggage, or even trim your cast of characters. And so I read Vampire Academy, where there may be a blood disease of sorts, but nobody's holding a mirror up and reminding me of my own worries.
I guess I would probably be safe with the classics of Literature, but honestly, I think the situation calls for a little something frivolous. Also honestly, I don't think I have the mental focus that would require.
Someone point me to a book list guaranteed to be cancer free. Surely one exists.
I'm fighting the urge to make some horrible joke playing off of blood counts and vampires. People don't know to be grateful when you successfully restrain yourself from inflicting that kind of thing. There's no reward in it.
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