Welcome, Chaos

Looking back at last month, I realize I was basically holding my breath, trying to be frozen so the big bad scary thing wouldn't see me, trying not to even think too loudly. Or maybe I wasn't hiding, which makes no real sense. Maybe I was just trying so hard not to think about what was scaring me that I had to stop thinking much about anything.

I didn't really read. If I were a more mathy person I could chart the curve to show how I read more and more to distract myself when things are bad, up to a tipping point where books or my own brain or body fail and I can't escape into stories anymore. This was one of those times that I could not pick up a book and focus my mind.

I did listen to an audiobook at night, in an effort to keep my mind quiet long enough to fall asleep. I just borrowed something my mother had been listening to.

Welcome Chaos, by Kate Wilhelm is probably impossible to talk about without spoiling the plot. But since it was published decades ago and appears to not actually be in print, I'm not going to worry too much. My mind is a bit too vague to spoil anything very specific anyway.

It's an old sci-fi thriller sort of thing that was written in the '80s, and has a woman as the protagonist, which is..nice, and surprising, all by itself.

The main character takes a leave of absence and heads to Oregon aiming to write a book about Eagles. And that rather lovely task is pretty seriously derailed when she is approached by some sort of gov't agent who wants to use her to gather info on her new neighbor out in the woods. And she quickly finds herself deeply and [i]very[/i] permanently involved in intrigue that could alter or destroy society. Vague enough? Too vague?

It made me think about what it means to have your health and a normal life expectancy. And what it is worth to gain more time. If I could be offered a perfect and complete cure right now, what would I risk? What costs would I accept? How would the world look if that were a real option?

I didn't love the story or the characters, but considering its age, it didn't seem hopelessly outdated, and that's impressive right there. And it did hold my attention sometimes, and ask some interesting questions.